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Hi there. I am Dr. Gilbert Soo Hoo, welcoming you back for the seventh episode of our series of talks on the topic, “My Work, Career, and Vocation.” In previous episodes, we looked closely at the scope of neighbour based on Jesus’ parable of the good Samaritan. Our vocation is showing common grace for the common good. We look out for the welfare of others. But in this episode, we turn our attention to ourselves, our own needs and desires.
We’re not being selfish or self-centered. We’ve already discussed showing compassion and grace to others in meaningful and practical ways. Vigilantly looking out for opportunities and responding when possible. But it’s not all about them exclusively. We’re not slaves with no rights.
Self-care is implied in the second greatest commandment (“Love your neighbor as yourself”). This divine directive does not say to love others more than yourselves but rather as much as you love yourself so you should love others, no more but no less.
Of course, we all realize that self-love is intuitive like self-preservation. We naturally care for ourselves; it’s part of our DNA, hardwired into us. It’s a common trait we share with all creatures. Hungry animals think about obtaining their next meal. They don’t intentionally starve themselves. It may still happen but only because they cannot find food. We humans think of caring for ourselves at several levels. When our basic needs for food, drink, clothing, and shelter are met, we aspire to higher needs.
We may have heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs. According to him, there are five levels of needs: physiological (food and clothing), safety (job security), love and belonging needs (friendship), esteem, and self-actualization. Lower-level needs must be met first before a human seeks fulfillment of higher-level needs. Once a lower-level set of needs are satisfied, we move up to the next level of needs and so on in sequence. Physiological needs in addition to food, drink and clothing also include air, sleep, shelter and sex. The next level up, safety needs, includes personal security, employment, resources, health, and property. Love and belonging needs include friendship, intimacy, family, and a sense of connection. The next higher level, esteem, includes respect, self-esteem, status, recognition, strength, and freedom. And at the highest and last level of needs, self-actualization, is desiring to fulfill one’s personal potential, being all that one can possibly be. Of course, not everyone envisions all five levels. Some may be satisfied with life if the lower levels needs are met. We may regard them as lacking ambition or dreams, or having simple tastes, easily satisfied.
In reality, a person does not necessarily have to have all their needs at one level be satisfied fully before they look to the next level up. So long as the needs are more-or-less met at a given level, they may address higher order needs. Of course, if we cannot satisfy a given need and so experience a delay, the drive to meet the need intensifies. For example, the longer we’re denied food, the hungrier we get and we can become obsessed with food, thinking about it constantly to the point where we may think of nothing else.
Like any model, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs only provides an idealized description of reality. It would be unrealistic, for example, to think that we only move up the hierarchy as each level of needs are met, a linear progression in one direction only. Events and circumstances can conspire to complicate the picture. We get sick, lose our job, fire destroys our home, or a misunderstanding breaks up a friendship. Bad things happen, sometimes unforeseen and other times predictable. We may be able to resolve the matter and get back on track. Or we may find the problem unresolvable, leaving a vacuum in our spectrum of needs. Does that mean we’re stuck and cannot move on and up? It could result in that. Then are we paralyzed, handicapped in our ability to meet the rest of our needs and thus we will not ever look at higher order needs?
It depends. Maybe we cannot find an answer now but perhaps later when the situation changes. We may have to defer satisfying certain needs or look for alternatives. For example, our home burns down. Does that mean we live on the streets? Temporary shelter may be a hotel, a friend’s home or, in extreme cases, roughing it in the car. We’ve all heard about someone living out of their car or truck. Then it’s possible to attend to higher order needs for the time being. No doubt we would be much more comfortable and happier when we can find permanent residence somewhere that we can call home. Temporary solutions keep us functional so we’re not spinning our wheels going nowhere.
Meeting our personal needs, taking care of ourselves, is very important. If we deprive ourselves, we can suffer serious consequences, like our health and rigor, or our ability to support ourselves and not become a burden to others. This last consequence would seriously undermine our ability to care for others. How can we meet the needs of others if our own basic needs are unmet? Loving others depends on us loving ourselves first.
We may have personally heard about people who hate themselves. This could be the result of a traumatic experience growing up that damages self-esteem. Perfectionism deceives people into thinking that they’re never good enough. Dissatisfaction with a personal trait, such as intelligence, appearance, or one’s lack of a desired talent can lead to strong feelings of inadequacy. Committing a serious mistake can trigger excessive self-criticism and self-loathing. These psychological and emotional struggles handicap our ability to love and to respect ourselves. When that happens, we will find it hard to love and to respect others.
One of the tactics people with low self-esteem employ is to criticize others, put them down, in order to feel better about themselves. They don’t feel so bad because someone else is worse. Or they become envious of others: “She’s so pretty; I wish I was more attractive.” Envy leads to discontent, perhaps seeing the other person as a rival: “My sister is getting all the boys. They ignore me.”
Hence, if we are ever to show common grace for the common good, we need to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We must be functioning on all cylinders like a car. If one of the cylinders of a car engine misfires, the car cannot run smoothly if at all. We must first love ourselves before we are able to love others. We cannot regard others as neighbours for whom we’re responsible if we’re envious of them and see them as rivals.
Self-care is an important life skill. When we were young, our parents, particularly our mothers, took care of us by making sure we ate proper meals, dressed appropriately to go outside, and cleaned us. I remember when I was about six years of age. We struggled financially and so my parents could not afford to buy me adequate winter clothing. My mother instructed me to remain indoors during recess when the rest of my class went outside to play. It was very cold out and I had to make sure I didn’t catch a cold. So I hid and was able to stay inside until the principal spied me behind a pillar in the hallway. He dragged me out to join my classmates but I tried to resist by grabbing the pillar. Even though the principal held the most authority at school, my mother had more authority in my estimation.
As adults, we are responsible for maintaining our health through proper diet, exercise, rest, and a balanced life avoiding extremes. If we get sick or hurt, we visit the doctor. We regularly go to the dentist to check on our teeth and gums. We buy the right clothing for the weather we’ll experience. In summary, we take good care of ourselves because no one else will. Our parents may not be around. If anything, we take care of our aged parents.
An important principle lies at the heart of self-care. We all bear the image of God. He created us for a purpose. Hence, we respect ourselves as a means of respecting what God has made and honoring his image in us. Self-care shows wise stewardship of what he has entrusted to our care. In order for us to accomplish his purpose for us, we have to be healthy and functional. Deficiencies physically, mentally, and emotionally can handicap us and keep us from fulfilling God’s plan for us.
Of course, we are not talking about things beyond our control, for example, congenital defects, damage to our bodies due to illness or an accident, or even childhood trauma. However, for the latter case, we can seek counseling to deal with our issues and gain a measure of health and wellbeing over time. It will take hard work and perseverance but it will be worthwhile. It requires faith, believing that wholeness is attainable. We also need faith to believe in God’s purpose for us, to live meaningful lives that impact other lives. Faith gives us hope to look into our future and see the possibilities. Only then do we have the necessary motivation to work at it.
Questions and Comments
1. Identify an important need that you have struggled to meet.
2. Evaluate the relative health of your self-esteem.
3. What might prompt you to forget about caring for your personal needs?