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Hello and welcome to this first programme in a series called Transforming Your Family. My name is Dorothy Cameron and I live between Edinburgh in Scotland and Ipoh in West Malaysia. I am a retired Family Therapist and an active Methodist local preacher. My husband and I have been married for over 40 years and we have 2 grown sons and one small grandson.
Family Therapy and Chaos Theory
Let’s begin by thinking about how important it is to choose our life partner, But first, a word about the principles of family therapy and their relationship to Scripture. In the last century, scientists made the discovery known as chaos theory. What may seem like very small and insignificant events can actually have very widespread consequences. This idea came into popular speak with the picture of the butterfly flapping its wings in New Mexico and causing a hurricane in China.
But is this really a new revelation? Genesis tells us that the rift between God and man began with one small bite from an apple. The death of one seemingly insignificant itinerant preacher healed that rift by his death on the Cross.
So it is in our families. What affects one person affects all family members and the inevitable ups and downs facing the family are best dealt with by good communication and cooperation between its members
The Bible places a lot of importance on family.
And I believe it gives the best guidance for the Christian family in dealing with the pressures of modern society.
From the beginning, God established the importance of the family unit. He saw that Adam was lonely and provided a wife for him. Later, they were blessed with children. What we may see as boring genealogies tell us just how important it was for the Jewish people, to see themselves as part of a family established through many generations. God himself chose to come to this earth as part of a family, and indeed in the gospel of Luke, his own genealogy is traced right back to Adam. The popularity of Internet sites which help us research our ancestry shows how that need to feel a sense of belonging is still with us in the present day.
The foundation of happy family life is a happy and healthy marriage relationship. So, before we explore what the Bible teaches about marriage and parenting, we need to take a look at what advice we can find about making the right choice of partner. We can find plenty quizzes and questionnaires, magazine articles and lengthy books to help us find out the qualities and character traits of our perfect partner, but for the Christian, the most reliable help and guidance can be found in Scripture. Unlike the ever-changing views and values of the world, God’s word stands the test of time.
Every family has some kind of shared belief system.
This may be to do with religious beliefs, ideas about family hierarchy, the importance of education, use of money. When we embark on our own independent life, we may choose to discard these beliefs, but then we will make new ones of our own. A marriage works best when 2 people share common beliefs which they then pass on together to their children. When our underlying belief systems are at odds, not shared, then conflict will arise in many areas, but becomes most problematic once children arrive
What does the Old Testament say about a partner for life?
Genesis 24.3,4 tells us that Isaac, one of the early patriots was told to choose his wife from his own faith community, rather than from among the Gentiles. In Joshua 23.12, when the Israelites finally were able to live in the land God promised to them, they were told not to take wives or husbands from the pagan nations around them.
What about guidance found in the New Testament?
In 2 Corinthians 6.14 Paul writes: Do not be yoked with unbelievers. When faith is not shared, then many aspects of life and thinking cannot be shared. Tensions will arise over choices which need to be made together. For many couples in this situation, one common problem is whether the non-Christian will allow his partner to take any children they may have to church. It can be tempting to think that we can change someone after marriage - there is no guarantee that will happen. If you don’t share a Christian faith, then the very foundation of your marriage will be shaky. When my husband and I began our relationship, the first thing he asked of me was that we pray together. If I had refused, he knew he would reluctantly have had to go no further. Being able to pray together is an essential part of Christian marriage. Of course, if we become Christians after having married, Paul has advice for us we will look at another time.
So then, what guidance can we get from Scripture about the qualities to look for in a Christian partner?
In his first letter to his young protégé Timothy, Paul outlines in chapter 4 verse 12 what he considers to be the qualities of a good leader. He asks that he set an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. We could do worse than ask ourselves if our chosen partner displays these qualities in his or her life.
An important part of getting to know one another should be time spent in wholesome talk. In Ephesians 5.4, Paul says our speech should be without swearing, blasphemy and coarse talking. James 1.19 tells us to take time before speaking. When we find the partner of our dreams, we may be tempted to turn a blind eye to areas of concern in the other. It is important to be open and honest with one another and make sure differences can be resolved before finally committing to marriage.
Does the way your intended partner behaves in daily life reflect Christ-like values and command respect? 1 Samuel 25 tells the story of David on the run from his enemy King Saul. He sought help from Nabal, a wealthy shepherd, who not only refused to assist him, but was abominably rude to David even although David had been very considerate of him in the past. Nabal’s wife Abigail is clearly embarrassed by his boorish behaviour and does her best to make amends. If you are consistently embarrassed or upset by any behaviour in the other, then have the courage to be honest and resolve issues early on.
It may seem self-evident that the couple should be in love! But what kind of love? Is it an infatuation, or is the attraction between you based on shared values? Does it have the potential to grow and deepen as you get to know one another? An infatuation can quickly sour if there is no more than physical attraction and the couple have nothing else in common. The well-known words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13.4-5 describe the characteristics of true love. It is patient and kind; not jealous or boastful, proud, or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and does not bear grudges. These are high standards, but in a sound relationship, the couple can help each other to aim for such attitudes towards one another.
Does your partner have a strong faith and show a desire to grow in Christ? In chapter 2 verse 2 of his first letter, Peter tells us: Like new-born babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation.
Is this something you will be able to do together? Will you encourage each other’s gifts and work as a team, not in competition but as 2 parts which make a greater whole? In Acts 18, we meet Aquila and Priscilla, a couple who served God as a team We don’t know much about the partnership, but when they are mentioned in Scripture, their names are always paired together. I guess their gifts were complementary, and that together they were stronger when working together in God’s service.
Sexual attraction is often what initially draws us together and is a powerful force. For the Christian, purity is to be valued and the temptation to rush into a physical relationship should be resisted. 1 Corinthians 6.20 tells us we must honour God with our bodies. For the Christian, sex before marriage should be out of the question.
The book of Ruth tells the story of Boaz and Ruth, a lovely example of a man of integrity and a woman of purity. Ruth, a widow, was encouraged by her mother-in-law in Ruth 3.4 to lie at the foot of Boaz’ bed. This was to make known her desire that he should choose her as his wife. This was an accepted practice of the day and probably not one we should copy exactly! Boaz wakens from sleep to find a pretty woman at his feet – what a temptation! But he is a man of integrity and sends Ruth away while he observes the legal niceties of their culture. Let’s not forget that they already knew much of each other’s qualities from a period of working together and getting to know each other.
Sexual love is a gift from God, but should not be the most important factor in our choice of partner. It is important that you are friends as well as lovers. The most important shared interest is of course Jesus, but it is good to have other things in common, as well as areas where your interests complement each other.
Genesis 2.18 tells us that Eve was created to be Adam’s helper. So you must choose someone who has the same heart as you to serve. I was once asked to conduct a couples’ evening and the leader’s hidden agenda was that his wife might be persuaded to join him in missionary service which she was unwilling to do. If you have a calling, make sure your partner shares that vision before committing to a life together.
Having considered carefully your choice of partner, you are ready to enter into a new life together. Next time we will look at what the Bible has to teach us about living in harmony.
Questions